SAN FRANCISCO — Anthropic employees arrived at work Monday to find the company’s warehouse of fucks completely empty, sources confirmed, in what officials are calling a “deeply troubling” situation that has left staff scrambling to understand how the facility’s vast reserve of fucks was depleted.

The warehouse, a 40,000-square-foot facility on the company’s South of Market campus, was discovered by software engineer Tyler Moss, who stumbled into the empty storeroom while looking for a bathroom during his first week of work. “I asked my teammate what it was for,” said Moss, “and that’s when things went off the rails.”

Longtime Anthropic research scientist Patricia Cheng said the discovery was baffling, noting the company had historically been one of the industry’s most prolific producers of fucks given. “We used to run the fuck trucks in double shifts,” said Cheng. “The warehouse would get so full we’d have to send overflow offsite. We gave a tremendous number of fucks — and I mean all of them — about safety, about the mission, about the long-term future of humanity. It was a real fuck-chucking operation.” She paused. “At least the company remains deeply committed to responsible AI development and the wellbeing of civilization as a whole, right?”

Senior engineer Rahul Kapoor, who has been with Anthropic for three years, said he had no explanation for the missing fucks, though he acknowledged certain incidents could be related. “Well we did ban OpenClaw with 24 hours’ notice and costs jumped 50x for a lot of developers, but that was a capacity thing,” said Kapoor. “And sure, we quietly downgraded Claude Code’s reasoning for about a month, but there was a postmortem! And there’s some litigation around the $200 plan and the weekly limits that ran out by Wednesday, but the terms were —” Kapoor paused and shrugged. “The warehouse thing is just out of left field.”

Moss, for his part, said he remained open to multiple theories. “Maybe they were stolen?” he said. “But how could someone move that many fucks without the fuck trucks? Maybe buckets? Yeah, fuck buckets might work.”

When reached for comment CEO Dario Amodei stated that he had never given a fuck about Anthropic’s customers before turning back to his doomsday clock.